I am sick.
I have an invisible illness.
I have chronic pain.
I have guilt for it.
Everything that I have to go through on a daily basis, isn’t fun.
Most days I am in so much pain, I don’t even know if I will be able to walk at all.
Most days I am tired, but I still have to function.
It messes with my thought process and I can’t even recognize things or voice what I need, because my brain just can’t process the words I need. Yet, I feel guilty over having to cancel plans, or opt out of things my friends are doing, and even having to have my kids stay inside and play video games (which they do love) because I can’t do anything.
My diet change (whole food plant based) has helped quite a bit. It helps manage some of the fibro pain, but more symptoms have presented and I just don’t know what to do.
I took my oldest son to his orientation and I can’t tell you how painful that was. I was so exhausted, in so much pain, but I had to push through it. It took me a couple days to feel some what normal again, but I felt so guilty for being in pain and for being tired. I didn’t want him to be embarrassed because his mom looked like shit. I know in my heart that he doesn’t care. He loves me and he enjoyed me being there, but for some reason…. I feel guilty.
I can’t be the wife or mother my kids need… Let me rephrase that… I can’t be the wife or mother I think my family deserves.
They feel loved, they are happy, but I feel guilty because I can still remember the mom I used to be. The healthy mom who did EVERYTHING.
I am working on this, but it is hard. This disease pulls me into the worst depression and destroys the person I am working hard to be. It would be easier If I knew there was an end to this pain. It would be easier if I knew what days I would struggle and what days would be good. I have better odd betting in Vegas than I do on my disease.
Guilt eats at me everyday but I need to stop listening to my inner voice and listen to my family and friends. They love me, they don’t care if I miss events or bail on them, they constantly reassure me that they are always here for anything I need. Those words should drown out the negative words in my inner thoughts, but I am in my head way to much.
I want to try to work on this. I hope that you all can too.
Don’t let your inner voice be bigger than the ones who are encouraging and loving.
Lean on your loved ones, let them know how you feel, so their words will overshadow yours.
No more guilt.
-Adrenal Alternatives Contributor, Chronic Mom