Is this pain for a reason?

I always wonder what causes my pain. I have it on a daily basis, but can never really pin point why I have it. I can come up with 100’s of reasons why I think I have it. I slept wrong, I worked out, I was stressed, I had to drive around, I ran errands, I ate something I wasn’t supposed to, I ran into an ex, my kids were driving me crazy, my husband and I got into a fight, blah, blah, blah….
Any one of these can cause me to have a flare or a crisis. But why the pain?
Our body is constantly at war with itself, which is a huge pain. It is battling against everything inside itself and on the outside. On a healthy person, this can take minutes, maybe an hour to fix itself, but with us…. It can take hours or it could take days.
I have gone to bed the last 2 nights in so much pain. It is easier for me to ignore it during the day. I can distract myself by moving around, but once my body lays down and tries to relax… That is when the pain can get so bad. I can’t get comfortable because everything hurts. I want to rip off my own skin most of the time, just to make the pain stop.. Not that I would actually do that.
Last night, while laying in bed, my body had that feeling you get when someone is poking you non stop and it gets really irritating, but you can feel it all through your body and you just want to punch the person…. I can’t punch the person and make it stop. All I can do is try to fall asleep and hope that it doesn’t wake me in a few minutes.
I often wonder, why God is making me go through this. There has to be a reason, and I know that he has one. I would just like to know what it is, so I can feel better about having to go through this. I want to be inspiring to others, but it’s so hard when you need the inspiration yourself. It’s hard when you spend days in bed or on the couch or just in your home because you are way to tired to do anything. That gets depressing and is a hard cycle to break.
Everything that used to sound fun to me, makes my skin crawl now. I hear all the ticket giveaways on the radio and start to think that would be fun, but then my mind goes to.. I would have to get dressed and there will be lots of people there, someone might be sick and they will touch me and then I’ll get sick. Will I be to exhausted to walk around or stand the whole time, should I bring my wheelchair just in case, are they going to have food there that I can eat, how late will this event be….. AHHHHH!!!! Do healthy people think like this?? I sure didn’t when I was healthy.
We have pain… daily. We are fatigued… daily. If you have your disease under control and managed… I give mad props to you, because 4 years into this.. I don’t. I feel like I start to gain control and then something else pops up. I see all these other Addisonians working out all the time, working, enjoying life with friends and family, and I wonder how they do this. Why is it so much harder for me? What am I doing wrong? Every.. body.. is different. Everyone experiences their illness in another way. So don’t let that get you down or discourage you. Your body is processing the disease differently and there is nothing wrong with that.
Keep fighting daily. Keep searching for answers. Keep raising awareness. I feel it’s coming soon.

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