Guilty!

I am sick.

I have an invisible illness.

I have chronic pain.

AND

I have guilt for it.

WHY?!?!?!

Everything that I have to go through on a daily basis, isn’t fun.

Most days I am in so much pain, I don’t even know if I will be able to walk at all.

Most days I am tired, but I still have to function.

It messes with my thought process and I can’t even recognize things or voice what I need, because my brain just can’t process the words I need. Yet, I feel guilty over having to cancel plans, or opt out of things my friends are doing, and even having to have my kids stay inside and play video games (which they do love) because I can’t do anything.
My diet change (whole food plant based) has helped quite a bit. It helps manage some of the fibro pain, but more symptoms have presented and I just don’t know what to do.

I took my oldest son to his orientation and I can’t tell you how painful that was. I was so exhausted, in so much pain, but I had to push through it. It took me a couple days to feel some what normal again, but I felt so guilty for being in pain and for being tired. I didn’t want him to be embarrassed because his mom looked like shit. I know in my heart that he doesn’t care. He loves me and he enjoyed me being there, but for some reason…. I feel guilty.
I can’t be the wife or mother my kids need… Let me rephrase that… I can’t be the wife or mother I think my family deserves.

They feel loved, they are happy, but I feel guilty because I can still remember the mom I used to be. The healthy mom who did EVERYTHING.

I am working on this, but it is hard. This disease pulls me into the worst depression and destroys the person I am working hard to be. It would be easier If I knew there was an end to this pain. It would be easier if I knew what days I would struggle and what days would be good. I have better odd betting in Vegas than I do on my disease.
Guilt eats at me everyday but I need to stop listening to my inner voice and listen to my family and friends. They love me, they don’t care if I miss events or bail on them, they constantly reassure me that they are always here for anything I need. Those words should drown out the negative words in my inner thoughts, but I am in my head way to much.

I want to try to work on this. I hope that you all can too.

Don’t let your inner voice be bigger than the ones who are encouraging and loving.

Lean on your loved ones, let them know how you feel, so their words will overshadow yours.

No more guilt.

-Adrenal Alternatives Contributor, Chronic Mom

 

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Do You Think You Can Cure Me?

It’s happened to all of us. Even the non-chronically ill. Someone has suggested a sketchy miracle cure. Maybe they told you eating ‘healthy’ or going organic would have prevented or fixed your condition and will save you from taking your medications?

Why is this so frustrating? Their heart is in the right place is it not? What’s the problem?

When you tell me eating vegetables or a certain trendy food would prevent my condition, it insinuates that my choices have caused my condition and all of the resulting health problems. That if only I had an organic farm and bought a juicer I’d be cancer and ‘pharma’ free.

My cancer is genetic. I could not prevent it, and all of the organic vegetables in the world will not cure it. That’s not really how cancer works. You can’t just throw ‘healthy stuff’ at cancer and make it go away. Individual cancers behave differently and the mechanisms of their growth and death need to be understood on the cellular level for best treatment. No amount of kelp will do that.

Of course, a healthy lifestyle is a benefit to anyone with or without a medical condition, but should not be used in place of treatment. Many of the miracle stories you read about conveniently leave out the part where their “natural miracle cure” also involved some surgery, chemo, and/or radiation. That doesn’t get as many facebook likes now does it? These stories are dangerous misinformation. Please stop sharing them.

Next, can we please stop judging people who have to take medications? This implies I’ve failed some how because my life depends on medication. I would so love to toss all of my pills into the trash. That would be a dream, but guess what? I’d die. I’d suffer greatly, and die shortly thereafter. I cannot trade my medications for coconut oil or anything else on a grocery store shelf (or farm.) Maybe I am a slave to ‘big pharma.’ I like living though. I’ve got a family, so I’ll keep taking my meds and keep living as long as I can. For me, that means meds forever, and I’m okay with that.

I value and protect my health. I do appreciate your concern for me. Cancer isn’t fun, and you want to help. I want there to be a miracle cure too, but rather than cling to false hope, I will keep using treatments that are proven effective. I’d rather not hear any more cures. Instead let’s talk about enjoying life, savoring the moment. That’s the real way you “beat cancer.” One breath, one day at a time.